The Power of "No"

Many words have true power in the English language, but few of them wield the power of just two letters… N…O. These two letters have the ability to stop people in their tracks and induce a wide variety of emotional responses from tears to outright anger. It is frequently one of the first words toddlers hear from the mouths of their parents as they try to protect them from doing things that may hurt them. As a child I learned firsthand why no was so often the answer to all my questions after ignoring my parent’s advice led to emergency room visits and consequences. As a parent, I was labeled “Dr. No” by my kids because my answer to their requests for sleepovers, playdates and other organized get togethers was often no.

But does the word no always have to be negative? Is rejection always such a horrible thing? As an adolescent and young adult I often found myself paralyzed in situations where the outcome could lead to a “no”. The fear of rejection became more of a motivator than the anticipation of success. Dating was challenging as I avoided asking out girls for dates because I was sure they would say no. As an aside, my father’s advice to just play the law of averages and ask more girls didn’t help matters as I thought that made me look desperate. Allowing my decisions to be limited to only things where rejection wasn’t possible limited me. I missed out on opportunities that could have potentially been life changing, all because of the fear of those two letters.

Later in my adulthood I became a coach, and I began to see the value in rejection and failure. I would share with my athletes how Michael Jordan famously used the rejection of his high school varsity basketball coach, in his sophomore year, to motivate him to become arguably the greatest basketball player of all time. One of my favorite quotes I share with my them is, “You learn more from failure than you ever do from success.” Looking hard at why you weren’t successful at something helps you make adjustments to your strategy and performance. It allows you to self-reflect and self-correct. Changes made from failure often lead to greater success because they are rooted in concrete, previous results rather than conjectures, hopes and maybes. 

In this current environment where children are given more opportunity than ever to retry, and winning or losing is secondary to celebrating participation, I think it’s more important than ever to take away the negative values associated with no and failure. It’s not only okay to fail, it’s important to. Failing at something allows the person to make a decision. Will that failure be a deterrent to your future success or a motivator that drives it? Ultimately, as an individual, only you know that answer, but the important thing is not to allow the word no to have all the power. After all, it’s only two letters given arbitrary meaning by culture and time. So the next time you ask someone something or really put yourself out there, be prepared to hear no and live with the knowledge that it’s simply an opportunity to improve and be a better version of yourself as a result.